They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*watches the world burn*
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
oh my gosh!!
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener