They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.