They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*