They’re stuck in your pants?
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes