They’re stuck in your pants?
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My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
who wore it better?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
hmmm
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Is fake venison called venisn’t