They’re stuck in your pants?
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Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo