Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

Chicago sounds lovely.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

titanic

when you are just born a rebel

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down