Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

I’m giving up ice.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.