They’re the worst 😩
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traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
my mind
You just read my mind
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
