They’re the worst 😩
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
A fake ID that makes you younger
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.