They’re the worst 😩
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*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.