They’re the worst 😩
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
HERE’S MARKY
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
I have a black belt in leather
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40