They’re the worst 😩
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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
#Caturday
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.