they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.