they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.