Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

get you a girl who

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Me: how are you

Friday: good

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.