They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
You Might Also Like
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Well, that didn’t work.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
❤️❤️❤️
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.