Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

He’s cranky this morning

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.