Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

I love twitter

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]