@taber

they’ve hired a PR firm

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@BraandoCommando

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

@PajamaBen_

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

@LurkAtHomeMom

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

@heldmelong

hate how the compose tweet button looks like a quill pen. i am not worldly. i am not an intellectual. i am a blithering idiot. give me a crayon

@sannewman

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

@_Kim_Jongun

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

@jonnysun

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@Quartzjixler

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.