Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
hate how the compose tweet button looks like a quill pen. i am not worldly. i am not an intellectual. i am a blithering idiot. give me a crayon
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.