judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
no regrets
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March