They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?