They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once