They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
These are my roll models.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.