They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
You Might Also Like
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
⛄️
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘