thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
moms in horror movies
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Winnipeg!!
