thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
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Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.