@ClichedOut

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

You Might Also Like

@Brocklesnitch

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

@MensHumor

Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.

@foodfacenow

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

@AristotlesNZ

8yo: Ghosts real?
Me: No!
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Me: ..
Them: ..
Me: Ghosts

@rebrafsim

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

@mommajessiec

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

@omgshuddup

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

@fro_vo

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

@lisaxy424

teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds

me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK

@FabMommy29

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?