dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
8yo: Ghosts real?
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”
Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds
me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?