thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I hope this email punches you square in the face
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
A flock of dads is called a grill.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.