Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY