Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!![]()
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
*offers Batman cough drops*
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.