Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
my sentiments exactly
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The cake is mightier than the sword.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”