Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
me linking you to my twitter
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.