Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Terribly Tuesday.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
yikes
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Bobby pin
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.