Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.