Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
never compromise your values
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?