Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

🤣dope

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

The pen is writier than the sword.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.