Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Does beer think about me too?

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Every BBC series about the universe.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall