thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?