thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.