Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

i love modern commerce

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

My dating profile:

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

just having fun

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?