Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.