Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR