Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?