Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
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Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Good morning.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
