Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

ㅤ