Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.