things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
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Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not