things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
What a website
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Sing it!
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation