Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.