Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

How do I get a job writing these texts

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.