Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

I only say stupid things when I talk.