Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Hawk o the mornin tuah
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help