Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
People buying plungers never look happy.
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.