things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
When you have to use a public restroom.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
philosophical skeletons be like
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?