things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
waiting for halloween be like:
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.