things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*