Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.