Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

repaired

Me when I hear gossip

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy