Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Still my favourite meme.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Every work meeting this week
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
