Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
