Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
