Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
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Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day