Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it