Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes