Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
You Might Also Like
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow