Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

honestly, i need both:

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

a McRib killed my tapeworm

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.