Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Here’s a meme
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
accurate
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Word!
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
