Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
How I’d get arrested…
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
