Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.