Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
🤣😂🤣😂
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Sell your car
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
