Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

I put the hot in psychotic.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

yeah not falling for this one

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.