Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
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me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
What in the hipster hell is going on here