Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
You Might Also Like
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.