Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
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i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
LOL!
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None