Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

there has never been a better use of this meme

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests