Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.