Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

Damn what did I do next

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

This is Sparta

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.